Everyone is getting engaged…

Scrolling through my Facebook today I realized that holy crap tons of people I know are getting engaged. Now don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them. I think it’s great they have found someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. But then I think about myself. I have a job, I’ve applied to graduate school, there’s a guy in my life. I just can’t imagine myself being engaged. I still feel like a kid most of the time. It also doesn’t help that I’m very petite, I basically look like a freshman in high school. If my guy was to ask me to get engaged right now I would probably laugh. I just don’t feel adult enough yet.

Of course I worry that I’ll get engaged when I’m too old (is it possible to be too old?). I guess it’s mostly due to societal pressure. Once I start creeping into my late twenties I will probably start getting antsy. Right now I’m 24 and I’d much rather focus on myself because quite honestly, I don’t have the qualities to be a wife just yet.  It’s funny to think that my peers are off getting married and purchasing houses while I am literally sitting on the couch writing a blog while eating ramen.

Don’t even get me started on my friends that already have a family….

Thanks Anxiety Disorder For Making Me Look And Sound Like An Idiot All The Time!

I’ve had an anxiety disorder since the age of 12. It was easier to hide the disorder from my peers back then. I could still act awkward and shy, people would think it was cute. Of course everyone would tell me that I just had to break out of my shell. That never happened. 

Now that I’m close to 24 years I just cringe at the things I say and do. I’m not totally socially inept but I do make a fool of myself a lot. When someone asks me a question I take a couple extra seconds to answer because I have a hard time coming up with a response. If I respond too quickly I tend to jumble up my words. 

It doesn’t only happen when it comes to speaking. A lot of my actions are dictated by my anxiety. I try to avoid having lots of attention on me. Sometimes I’ll avoid asking a store employee for help. Sometimes I avoid crossing very busy streets because I don’t want eyes on me. It sounds ridiculous, I’m sure. 

I always wonder if people notice. I’m sure my family does to some extent. My friends may not have a clue. Maybe I’m just overthinking everything? Yet another symptom of my anxiety disorder!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can.” – Nikos Kazantzakis

Still wondering how do adults even make friends?

I seriously don’t know how to make friend. I mean, I did have friends in school. Sure, I wasn’t the most popular person but I definitely had someone to eat lunch with. My current job has me working alone most of the time so I don’t see my coworkers much. When I do see them I don’t know how to ask if they want to hang out after work. They all seem to have their own separate exciting lives.

All of this was prompted by my dad coming up to me this evening and asking, “So what do you do on the computer? All you do is work and then go on the computer.” He has somewhat of a point. I just don’t know how to make friends anymore. It doesn’t help that I’m shy.

What makes it even worse is looking at my Facebook or Snapchat and seeing everyone’s exciting daily adventures. I’m pretty sure the most excitement I’ve had all week is buying a new pair of jeans. You would think that at almost 24 years old I would have figured this stuff out by now. Nope.

Thanks dad for reminding me that I’m basically friendless.

Apparently Adulthood Means No Real Summer Vacation!

I loved summer, and still do. I love when it finally starts to warm up and I can sit out on the deck reading a book while sipping iced tea. I love not having to wear 3 layers of clothing just so I don’t freeze to death outside. I used to spend my summers traveling around with my family.

Now, adulthood has officially come. This is my first true summer since graduating. Last summer I spent my time traveling around by myself exploring new places. This summer I’ll be working  to make sure I have enough money to pay for my car insurance etc. Don’t get me wrong – I love my job! But I can’t help but look out the window and think to myself of all the things I could be doing. Which in reality I probably wouldn’t do anyway, but it’s nice to imagine!

So I guess summer is no longer going to be that fun, hang out all day type of thing anymore. I didn’t even realize it up until now that adults don’t really have much of a summer. I mean sure they may have a week or two off but it’s just not the same.

Sigh. I already wish I was a kid again!

Quote Of The Day

“Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary” – Oscar Wilde 

Today, I Turn 23. I Have Nothing In My Life Figured Out.

 

Today, I turn 23! This would be great except I feel ancient. Okay, I know 23 isn’t really ancient but it also means I can’t get away with being immature. If that makes sense? 23 feels like I’m too far into adulthood to blame things on my teenage ways.

So, 10 years ago I would probably have told you I would have my dream job by now, a huge house, dogs, and a husband. All I can say is that I am no where close to that! I did buy a new car this week, so I am getting somewhere….

It just seems like all the other 23 year old’s out there know what they are doing with their life. I am still sitting here feeling like a kid. Why is time going by so fast?

I wish I could freeze time. I hate getting older. I want to stay 22! Growing up isn’t all that great!

I Love My Job… Is That Possible?

 

I’m a bit of a pessimist. I 100% believed I would never any job I’ll ever have in my life. I mean who wants to get up and do the same routine everyday? Surely not me! I’ve had several jobs and I vehemently hated them all. In fact, there were times I would literally be brought to tears when I realized I had to show up to work that day. Fast forward eight months and now, I am eager to get to my job. I even spend some of my free time looking at ways to improve my work.

I’ve heard others say they have loved their jobs. But, I have heard more people talk about how they hate it and are stuck in this horrible cycle. Finding a job isn’t easy, having a good boss is no guarantee, and coworkers can be a handful. I almost wanted to just continue onto graduate school so I could put off getting my first “real” job. Of course, things don’t always happen as planned. I knew I needed legitimate job experience before launching into graduate school.

So here I am, in total awe that I enjoy work. I am not somebody who generally “likes” things. I enjoy complaining and I have no problem dramatizing things in my life.

I’m hoping this post hasn’t totally jinxed my job now!

I’ll Flourish With Or Without Your Help!

I depend way too much on others for my happiness and success. Hearing the sentence, “Good luck surviving without me!” during a break up is like a punch to the gut. I feel like if I was left on my own I would just crumble because I need the support from others. I like to think of myself as independent; when it comes down to it I lean others. This is partially from my anxiety, it gets exhausting dealing with it on my own.

So, what happens when these people leave my life? What if we get into a terrible fight and they walk out on me? I want to be positive that I will be able to get through it. I want to know that I can be successful and strong without the help of others. I can’t depend on others for my happiness, motivation, and security. Because let’s face it… people aren’t going to be there for you 24/7.

I don’t know if others feel this way. I’ve never heard any of my friends talk about this. Would you have trouble flourishing in life if your friend/significant other/family member disappeared from your life?

I Have All These Ideas But No Motivation

Story of my life. I have all these great ideas in my head. Why don’t I reorganize my bedroom? Learn a new skill?  Make plans to travel to New Zealand? Or apply to graduate school? 

Unfortunately, the step from thinking of an idea to actually taking action is just too big for me. I am inherently lazy, and this may be the reason why I like daydreaming of such plans but rather not get off my butt. I may be more inclined to get moving if I see that there’s a “reward” in sight. Today, I rewarded myself with a mini tiramisu simply because I started looking into graduate schools. I made essentially no progress but I very much deserved the cake! Basically I’m like a dog… doing tricks just for the treats.

I’m lucky that I can get by like this now. I don’t have others depending on me. Like, what will happen when I get married and have kids? I can’t imagine being an unmotivated parent. My own parents are extremely motivated and don’t let things get in their way. I, on the other hand, just can’t see me forming into that type of person. I thought adulthood would change me but that isn’t the case. Maybe parenthood will be thing that will catalyze change!

If only it was as easy to do things as it is to think things.